


Washing Machine Heart

by catboyzeph



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Death, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Happy Ending, M/M, Marley (Shingeki no Kyojin), Multiple Endings, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Porn, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Reincarnation, Sad with a Happy Ending, Smut, Unrequited Love, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:27:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29062077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catboyzeph/pseuds/catboyzeph
Summary: You're okay if he uses you, you're okay if all you'll be is a good source of sex and friendship, but you can't help but wish it was you he was in love with.ORWhere it takes two lifetimes for you and Jean to get your happy ending.
Relationships: Jean Kirstein/Reader, Mikasa Ackerman & Jean Kirstein, One sided Mikasa/Eren, One-sided Jean/Mikasa - Relationship
Comments: 62
Kudos: 197





	1. Chapter 1

Hands move, grasping at muscled shoulders and blond hair, grasping at sheets, at anything that could be used for purchase, pushing their bodies closer together. Names moaned over and over, the sound of sweat-soaked skin slapping and sliding.

Sex with Jean could be messy, passionate, slow, fast, vengeful, tender. But it was always great. You can feel your stomach cramping up, your orgasm building fast with every single one of his practised thrusts, with every flick of his finger against your sensitive clit.

You know he’s close too, after having sex for a few years, you learn to pick up on the telltale signs, the changes in his tone, his expression looking almost pained from how pleasured he was feeling.

He moves his hips up, hitting that spot that makes your vision swim with pleasure. There’s no need for you to tell him that’s the spot, he already knows, and he’s thrusting with more vigour now, chasing after both of your finishes.

“Inside or out?” He asks, slowing his pace to let you answer. You throw your head back, gasping. “Inside,” you run his fingers through his hair, before pulling his head down to you, he obliges, biting and nipping, blowing air across your skin in that way that sends you shivering with delight.

You gasp as you orgasm, legs going slack, he speeds up, growling slightly before he cums. You shiver slightly, you can never quite get used to the feeling of warmth down there.

He pulls out, cock slowly going soft as he moves to lay beside you. You don’t cuddle into his chest, that’s not what you two do. You’re not lovers, no matter how much you wish for it.

“You know,” you say softly, “you don’t have to keep saying my name.” He freezes next to you, before frowning. “You don’t need to say that,” he mutters, not meeting your eyes.

“Why not?” You ask. You place a hand on his chest, dragging your fingers up over his skin, “I know who you pretend I am.”

Of course you know who it is, you think, slightly bitter.

Mikasa Ackerman.

It’s okay really, you know you can’t compete, the way Jean could never compete with Eren. Maybe that’s why the two of you continue to sleep together, because you both pine and long for people who will never be available to you.

“It feels wrong to do that,” he says, grabbing your hand as it trails downward, before you can attempt to arouse him again. “I’m tired,” he complains. You giggle slightly, “all out of horsepower?” You joke.

He gasps, calling out your name, utterly scandalised. You burst into giggles, tickled at your own joke, a poke at his rather impressive size. He tries to keep a straight face, but he starts laughing too, it’s impossible not to, you’re both still friends, even if you two have the best sex of your life together and when you’re madly in love with him.

He sighs, getting up and stretching. You admire his form, chiselled, muscular, from years of ODM gear, even if he hasn’t had the chance to use them for a while, not when you’re both stuck in godforsaken Marley. You check the clock, he should be getting back to his home now, neither of you have the luxury of staying the night, you need to be careful, just in case anyone checks the records a little closely, and realises that you two are Eldian devils from Paradis.

“We should clean up,” he extends a hand to you, and you take it, letting him pull your sore body off the sheets.

The two of you take a shower together, and he washes your hair and makes sure he washes his seed off you, where the excess has dried on your skin. And in return, you scrub his back, and place balm over the scratches you always accidentally leave on him in the heat of passion.

“I’ll see you next time,” he says as he tugs his shoes on. You bring him to the door, and as always, clasp his hands before he goes.

“Will you kiss me tonight?” You ask, tilting your head up to look at him. He’s framed in the poor lighting from the lights outside your corridor, they don’t spend much on Eldian housing. And as always, he sighs softly and steps away, “that’s not what we do.”

“Not even if you close your eyes and pretend I’m her?” You ask.

“I don’t think that’s right.”

You watch as he walks away, hat pulled over his hair. Gently, you shut the door. “Why not me?” You ask aloud to an audience of ghosts as you lean against the closed door. In the deafening silence of your empty apartment, in a land far from home, the only answer is the clack of his boots in the corridor, getting fainter the further he walks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did this instead of my project because I like to hurt myself and procrastinate. You can find me on twitter @razorkisser :)
> 
> ALSO, LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD DO A SECOND CHAPTER OR MAYBE TWO MORE CHAPTERS OR JUST END IT HERE BECAUSE I HAVE TWO PLANNED OUT AND THERE'S A SAD ENDING AND A HAPPY ENDING AND I'M STUCKKKKK SOBS AND CRIES


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for implied character death

After years of war, you’re still not used to death and carnage. Yet, you continue to leave a steady line of bodies as you fly through the street. You recognise people you met in your stint as a Eldian living in Marley.

You see the shock in their eyes when they see your face, the one that had been smiling sweetly at them a few hours ago on the way to watch the play by Willy Tybur. You see their lives end as you let loose artillery on them.

Does this make you a monster? You wonder, the same way you thought Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie were monsters? You wonder what your fellow Eldians are thinking, if they’re cursing you and burning the image of you into their heads, committing your memory to hatred, the same way you did with your three former friends.

After all, you’re killing someone’s father, someone’s mother, someone’s daughter, someone’s son.

The same way they had taken your family from you.

You wonder if your death will bring them joy, the same way you had felt a sick satisfaction watching Armin eat Bertholdt, watching him scream and struggle futilely, only to be crushed like a bug between blunt teeth. You could still remember the way the blood splattered as he was eaten.

But now was no time to think of past grievances.

And so you continue your slaughter, mindlessly following Jean, Sasha and Connie, tying up the guide lights. You help fire at the Cart Titan. Do they have family? You wonder as you watch the titan get caught in an explosion of fire, burning it alive.

It writhes like a pathetic worm.

And finally, you’re on your way back home. After months. You’re tired, and you allow yourself to lean on Sasha, your body sagging from the exhaustion.

In spite of it all, you grin, giving her a little poke with your elbow, “so are you excited to see your chef boyfriend again?” Your friend lets out an indignant squawk and you begin to tussle, “I want to eat his food,” you complain, “Eldians get treated like dogshit-”

There’s a vicious yell, a gun pointed at Sasha.

You act before you think, body moving on instinct, shoving your friend out of the way.

The world explodes in pain.

You didn’t think you’d die this way. Bleeding out on the floor of the airship on the way back home. Sasha is screaming, sobbing, your head is propped on her knees as she sobs, hands pressed on the bullet wound that has most likely punctured vital organs.

“You idiot,” she sobs, “why did you push me out of the way?”

Why did you push her out of the way?

Maybe because you have nothing to live for while she does. You don’t have anyone to go home to, no family, no lover, no children, no pets. Of course your friends will grieve, but Sasha simply has more to lose, you rationalise.

It makes sense for you to die here.

“W-Where’s Jean?’ You mumble out, looking around for him, you need to tell him before you die. “Don’t move! You’re bleeding very badly!” Armin pushes into your wound, trying to staunch the bleeding.

It’s an odd feeling, feeling yourself bleed out, it’s uncomfortably warm.

“Someone get Jean!”

You faintly register him kneeling beside you, light from the airship reflecting off wet tracks on his face. “Are you crying?” You ask, “you look ugly when you cry.” You joke.

“Shut up,” he chokes out.

“Jean,” you say, lifting a hand to his face, “will you kiss me tonight?” You don’t bother waiting for an answer, “I’m in love with you. I think you already know but I just wanted to say it.” You’re crying now, “I know you’re in love with Mikasa, I know I won’t ever have a chance. I just needed to tell you that.”

Your feelings are flowing out and you know you should stop, but the words won’t stop leaving your mouth, the wall you locked your feelings behind broken by the fear of you fast approaching death.

“It’s so incredibly stupid, I dreamt of living on a dumb farm with you, maybe have some kids, but I’m going to die and you’re probably going to be fine because I’m not Mikasa-” you gasp as a pulse of pain shoots through your body.

“Are you crazy?” Jean asks, “my god you damned idiot.” He sobs, “why didn’t you tell me earlier?” You smile quietly, “would you have chosen me?”

“I- I- I don’t know! You can’t just say that and expect me to know!” You pat his hand, aware that darkness is pulling at the edge of your vision. “I think I do love you,” he’s crying now, angry, pained tears, “I do love you, maybe more than Mikasa, but I was scared—we’re in a war and now you’re dying and we’re never going to get that house with a dumb farm.”

‘Shit,” you say. There’s a painful throb in your heart and you can’t tell if it’s from the pain of knowing that you missed your chance with Jean or if it’s your heart giving it’s last beats.

“Jean,” you say, looking up at him, trying to commit his face to one last beautiful memory, “will you kiss me tonight?”

He leans down, to give you what you’ve always wanted, but you’re already gone, lost to a sea of dark stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOO i have decided to write more... smirks... kudos and comments are deeply appreciated, thank you for all the love on this thus far!!
> 
> you can find me on twitter @razorkisser!!


	3. Chapter 3

You’ve always been looking for someone. You’re not sure why, but there’s always been a gaping ache in your heart from the moment you’ve come to understand romantic love. You chase after people to try and fill the void, but somehow it never seems to be filled, no matter how much you pour love and matter and energy into the gaping void of your chest that demands that someone.

There was Reiner Braun, he was nice, always chasing after validation despite being a perfectly reliable man. When you had told him things weren’t working out, he had cried and asked why he wasn’t enough, why he never seemed to be enough.

Annie Leonhart, she was quiet, and never pushed too hard, she seemed to keep everyone at an arm’s distance and when the two of you had broken up, she had simply nodded, as if unaffected.

There was Yelena, your relationship with her burned like a candle, hot and fast, and died disappointingly.

There were others, but you’d long given up, chalking the ache in your heart for greed, a greed and desire for all the love you didn’t deserve. After all, even after all the love that was given to you, somehow, you never felt it was enough, they didn’t like you the right way, never said the things you wanted to hear.

You didn’t even know what it was that you wanted to hear.

You brushed over the birthmark under your rib, a habit you’d grown over the years. “That was how you died in your last life,” the medium your parents had brought you to see when you were younger had said, “you died being in the arms of who you loved most, from a bullet wound.”

Your parents had been enraged, calling her a waste of money, after all, being shot by a bullet didn’t explain your night terrors of distorted humanoid figures chasing after you, didn’t describe how you woke up screaming because you thought your parents had been eaten alive.

You still remember the medium’s words, even as you were dragged out of the room by your parents, “the one your heart is looking for is here.”

You snorted, that was a load of bullshit. You’d have to come across them by now right? Given how much you got around, burning through the men, women and everything in between of the city.

Next to you, your roommate, Armin Arlert stirred, his soft blonde hair tickling your chest as he moved to cuddle you closer. You smiled fondly, patting his soft yellow hair, Armin was nice, you met him at your college, and the two of you had become close quickly, after finding out you were die-hard fanatics over anime.

Armin often talked about his dreams, about wanting to see the sea, and you always asked, “why not go?” His response was almost always the same, “it feels wrong, I feel like I need to go there with someone. And not just anyone it has to be… someone.”

And when he asked you about your dreams, you told him of your wish to stay on a farm, “a dumb house with a farm, almost impossible given the era we’re living in,” you laugh.

You both dream of such silly incomprehensible things.

* * *

21st-century woes include sitting at an overpriced coffee shop and cramming for finals. You’re faintly aware that you’re running on nothing but caffeine, kept awake by some miracle of god. Armin’s busy today, meeting up with a childhood friend, Mikasa, who wants to introduce him to her friend from her college.

You’d go, but you can’t afford to fail this final, and Armin, god bless his huge brain, already has it in the bag.

Unfortunately, not everyone can be blessed with the brains of a god so you’re here, in a small coffee and tea shop, tucked away and run by a nice couple. It’s a nice place, quiet and quaint, and Mr Ackerman and Mr Smith always give you freebies and tell you to take care of yourself, mainly because you look like you’re about to drop dead at any minute every time you patronise their business.

You squint, the words on your page are starting to blur together, you’re vaguely aware that darkness is pulling at the edge of your vision. “Oh,” you manage to get out, “I think I overworked myself.”

And then you pass out, right in the nice shop for poor Mr Ackerman and Mr Smith to deal with.

Someone is patting you gently, asking you to wake up, and you faintly register that this person smells really nice. Is it Armin? He probably got a new cologne.

“You smell good Armin…”

“Sorry, but I’m not Armin.”

You jump up, and you smash your forehead into who has to be the hottest guy you’ve ever seen. No really, you’re not joking, he’s insanely attractive.

And looking at him, making you hyper-aware of the gaping ache in your chest, that had been there your whole life.

“Mr Ackerman! They’re awake!” Hotman calls. Levi storms into the backroom, looking faintly annoyed, but that’s just how he always looks. “Hi Sir,” you smile sheepishly, “sorry for passing out in your shop.”

“You brat, you need to start taking better care of yourself,” he grumbles, handing you a cup of coffee, which you gladly accept. “Jean,” he snaps, “who said you could dawdle? Back to work.”

Hotman- no, Jean, jumps to his feet, and salutes, “yes Mr Levi! Thank you for giving me this job!”

“Rest up kid, don’t push yourself too hard, replenish your blood sugar and then you can get Jean to walk you back home, his shift ends in a bit.”

“Jean carry their bag and make sure they don’t pass out on the way back okay?” Levi instructs, “oh and here have this, croissant, eat it when you get home, god knows you only eat instant noodles, it's so unhealthy for you-”

“Levi, don’t parent the kid too much,” Erwin scolds lightly.

“Don’t worry! I’ll get her home safely Mr Ackerman!” Jean says, holding your heavy bag like it’s a treasure.

God, he’s cute.

“Yeah you better, now get going.”

The silence that followed was not cute. How do you talk to someone hot and vaguely familiar?

“So I’ve never seen you at the cafe before, I go pretty often,” you say, desperate to break the silence. “Oh yeah! It’s my first day working there, Mr Ackerman is my friend's uncle and I needed some money so he hired me,” Jean explained.

There was another pause, and you wanted to smash your head into the wall, why was this so- he felt familiar yet-

“I’m sorry but have I met you before? You seem really familiar,” Jean blurts out, before blushing, “it’s weird I know sorry-”

“No! You seem really familiar too! I was just too nervous to ask!”

You stare at each other for a while before bursting out into laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. 

“Okay let’s start over, I’m Jean Kirstein, I’m twenty, I’m a law student.”

You introduce yourself similarly.

The conversation on your way home flowed easily, you learn that Jean’s mom was a single mother, and he initially pursued law because he wanted to make money to pay her back for all he owed her for taking care of him before he decided he wanted to help people get justice.

He liked animals, and ever since he was young, he wanted to live on a farm, as silly as it sounded. That had sent you reeling, what coincidence was it that you shared the same dream?

You learnt that he had nightmares, of someone dying in his arms when he was younger, that apparently, it was from a past life, and how that fear never really went away, so he held people close because you never knew when you were going to lose them.

He learns that you too, want to live on a farm, ever since you were able to form conscious thought. That you grew up with two parents who encouraged you to do all the things you could dream of, as long as you could grab it. He learnt why you were pursuing your current studies.

He learnt that you had dreams of being shot, and that too was apparently from a past life, that you had a birthmark where you had apparently been shot, and that you chased after everything you could, everything you wanted because you never know when you’d lose the ability to do that.

You’re almost sad that it has to end when you arrive at your apartment.

He hovers, hesitant, “well I guess I’ll see you-”

“You can come in for a drink or something!” You blurt out, you don’t want him to leave, “my roommate is probably-”

“WAHHH,” Armin sobs and throws yourself into your arms when you open the door, “help me!” He whines, “I don’t know what I was thinking!” He sobs, shaking you, “I invited Eren to see the sea with me! I’m going crazy why did I do that-”

“Armin wait-”

“Eren? Like Eren Jaeger?” Jean asks, Armin jumps, at the realisation that it isn’t just you at the door. “Uhm yeah,” Armin says, straightening up to his full height. “That’s my roommate-”

“Jean?” You turn, seeing a man with long hair and green eyes standing awkwardly at the door, holding alcohol. “Oh, Eren you’re back with the drinks!”

The four of you shuffle into the apartment, which seems a little tight with four people. You end up putting on Ride Your Wave, Armin and Jean cry, Eren and you hug and comfort them.

“I think I’m gonna head home,” Eren says as he stands up, “I’ve got a class at 7 A.M. tomorrow.” Armin, Jean and you let out a collective understanding nod, wincing at the pain of dreaded morning classes. 

No sane college student liked morning classes.

“I’ll walk Eren to the subway first! You and Jean can catch up later!” Armin calls, running ahead with Eren in tow, the green-eyed man gives you a small wave goodbye.

“See you back home later Jean!” Eren adds before they disappear around the corner.

“Is there a convenience store nearby?” Jean asks. “I’m starving.”

“Oh yes! I know a place!” There’s a recent store that opened nearby, selling the cup noodles that Levi tells you not to eat. It’s cute, they have little tables you stand at to eat. You jump up, following him to the door, it feels achingly natural, watching him lace up his boots. You slip on a pair of sandals, before offering him your hand.

He stares at it for a while before he takes it, letting you lead him there.

“That was nice,” Jean says, as you two hover at the entrance of the subway. You’re both unhappy about the fact that your time together is coming to an end. Being with Jean feels achingly familiar, and you don’t know why.

“I-” Jean stops himself, hesitating, “I know this is crazy, we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours but may I kiss you tonight?” 

You blink, the words shooting a bullet through your heart.

Why does it hurt so much?

“Hey hey did I say something wrong?” Jean asks, panicked, he pulls out a handkerchief handing it to you, “I’m sorry did I upset you?”

You raise your hands to your cheeks and to your surprise, they come away wet.

You’re crying.

“No, just I,” you rub at your eyes furiously, “I feel like I’ve been waiting a long time to hear that.”

It’s all the confirmation he needs, and he leans down, his long hair creating a curtain that shields the two of you from the world. His hands move to settle on the small of your back. He pulls you closer.

You break away, gasping and blushing, trying to forget what you had just felt from how close you were pressed to Jean.

He was big.

STOP BEING HORNY! You scolded yourself internally, Jean didn’t do that intentionally.

You were completely oblivious to how Jean was grinning like a wolf at your obvious struggle in keeping your eyes pinned to the lamp overhead, trying not to let your gaze wander downwards.

“I’ll go now,” he said, smiling softly. “Oh and uh, maybe we can go on a date next week after your exams.” He adds.

You nod your head vigorously, “yup. Yeah. A date would be nice.” You give him a thumbs up.

So would bouncing on your-

Okay, you needed to stop now.

He waved before he turned around and headed down to the subway underground. You watched him till he disappeared from view.

You laughed, feeling like a schoolgirl, a date! With the most attractive man, both look wise and personality, that you had ever met! Armin was going to hear all about it.

* * *

Jean sighed as he flopped onto the couch. He glanced over at Eren, who looked equally tired.

“You know Eren,” he said softly, “I still blame you for them dying in Paradis.”

“Well, we’re not in Paradis anymore. We’re in the 21st century,” Eren responded, holding a hand over his face. “You get a second chance, aren’t you glad?”

Jean’s lip curled, holding back the urge to hit his friend, “and somehow, we’re the only ones who remember the past.” He pauses, remembering the way Levi had so kindly given you free food, “well, we’re the only ones as far as we’re aware.”

He closed his eyes. You didn’t remember the past. There was no recognition in your eyes when you had awoken and seen him, no "Jean? Is it really you?"

And you were even staying with Armin, the two of you had always been close on Paradis.

Well, not that it mattered that you couldn't remember, now, he’d just have to work to be the man you deserved, the man he couldn’t be when you asked him to kiss you, the man he couldn’t be when you said it was okay to call out Mikasa’s name, the man he couldn’t be when you were bleeding out on that airship.

He smiled, Eren sucked ass sometimes, but he was right.

He had a second chance.

And this time, he was going to do it right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOO... reincarnation au.. so swag...
> 
> We have one more chapter left and it's pretty much just a bonus chapter and you can choose to stop reading here if you want because it's basically going to be this chapter, but it'll be about you from Jean's point of view!!


	4. Chapter 4

Your funeral had been a quiet and sad affair. You were buried in a graveyard, under a generic tombstone, indistinguishable from the others.

Of all the people to become meaningless numbers in a senseless war, Jean never thought you’d be one of them.

He wondered if you were with Marco now, the two of you were probably up to something ridiculous in the afterlife together. He felt the familiar feeling of tears welling up in the back of his eyes, next to him, Sasha was crying as Niccolo held her gently around the shoulders.

The feeling of jealousy built up in his throat.

It was supposed to be Sasha.

Maybe in another life, he would have been in Niccolo’s place, holding you as you cried over the grave of a close friend.

No that was a sick and cruel thought, you wouldn’t have wanted that. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want anyone to die.

He had just wanted you to live.

He held his hands to his mouth, hands that had held you thousands of times before, “if there’s another life, one where I can be with you without the fighting, I’ll love you right.” He whispered softly.

“Jean boy,” his mother said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. He flinched, he hadn’t even heard her approach, she was crying too, he noted. How could she not? You had been special to her, Jean’s first friend as a cadet, you had been the one to comfort her after her son had been cruel to her, and you had been the one who came over to their house for holidays, she had insisted after finding out you didn’t have a home to return to.

Somewhere, over the years, her feelings for you had turned motherly in nature.

“I was in love with them,” Jean says softly, not looking her in the eye. She drops to her knees, sliding her arms around him, “I know,” she pats him softly, “I know.” Jean can feel her shoulders trembling, holding back her tears in an attempt to comfort him.

“You can cry ma, it’s okay.”

And as his mother's tears flow, weeping for the child she lost, he weeps too, for the love he had never cherished enough till it was too late.

He makes a silent promise that day, in his next life, should he be given the chance, he will never stop loving you.

* * *

Jean Kirstein remembers his past life at the age of sixteen. It ironically comes, as he’s fighting Eren. He’s not sure what sparked their fight, but when Eren punches him, suddenly, he remembers. He remembers the fear of losing everyone he loved, the fear of death being right on his doorstep, and when he tackles Eren to the floor, suddenly choking him in earnest, because how dare he waltz into Jean’s life like he’s innocent, Jean sees the look in his eyes and realises that Eren remembers too.

He thought it was a curse to remember, after all, what were the chances of finding people from his past life again? Then Eren had met Mikasa, then he had met Erwin and Levi through Mikasa, and through them, he had met you again.

He still can’t get over the shock of seeing you walk through the front door, seeing you in a ratty hoodie and sweatpants. You don’t notice him, heading straight to a corner of the cafe like it’s home, plopping yourself down.

He’s never wanted to kiss you more.

Then you pass out, and Levi makes him carry you into the back room, where you mumble out Armin’s name, much to his delight, he’s glad you’ve found someone from your past lives. He can’t wait for you to wake up and see him, and this time, he’ll kiss you the way he never got to.

Until you wake up, and instead of you gasping out a surprised “Jean? Is it really you?” You instead smash your foreheads together before looking at him like you want to eat him alive, there’s not even a hint of recognition in your eyes, only longing and attraction.

He feels his heart physically hurt in his chest, was this how you felt whenever he turned you down in Paradis?

He learns a lot about you as he walks you home, how you grew up with your parents—he sighs in relief, that makes him so incredibly happy that you grew up happy, the way you deserved to.

He should take it slow, he tells himself, don’t go too fast, he doesn’t want to rush you, but he can’t help but ask if he can kiss you, and when you say yes and you press your mouth to his, he knows he’ll do anything for you, the same way he would in his past life.

And now, you’re on a date with him. Eren’s been kicked out for the night, and he makes you a recipe he learned from his mother. It’s the first recipe he learned actually, after he regained his memories, it had been your favourite, and he was determined to learn it.

Sure enough, you’re digging into it, mumbling out “this is so good!” between mouthfuls. “How much more perfect can you get Jean?” You groan out, “let’s get married, seriously.”

He sputters, shy, and you laugh at his reaction.

God he missed your laugh.

He stares at you longingly, and you return the stare with one of your own, placing your head on your hand, tilting your head to expose the expanse of your neck. You’ve both finished your food, the movie is still playing, but suddenly you both can’t be bothered.

You move first, standing to put both your dishes in the sink, and he follows, arms moving to cage you against the counter, capturing your lips in a kiss as you turn. You eagerly return it, hands sliding under his shirt, you give his nipple a pinch, and his cock twitches in his pants in interest.

“Bedroom?”

“Bedroom.”

The two of you stumble carelessly to his room, taking your clothes off along the way until you’re both naked in front of each other. You push him on the bed, licking your lips greedily as you stare at him. You were right, he was big.

Getting on your knees, you eagerly lay little kitten licks on his head, getting him wet. He groans, grabbing the sheets as you slowly to lick up and down the length of it, pumping him with your hand as you do.

Without warning, you take him in your mouth, his head hitting the back of your throat, you gag slightly, you weren't completely prepared for him to be this big. You wait a moment, before you continue taking him into your mouth until your nose is brushing his stomach.

He groans, you’re warm around his cock, and the way your tongue is moving around, trying to adjust to his length in your mouth is driving him crazy. You bob your head, moving up and down, creating a rhythm.

He moans out your name, grabbing your hair, “you’re doing so good,” his words are slurred, “don’t stop, don’t stop-” you move a hand up to fondle his balls, and his words are cut off with a pleased whine.

God you’re driving him insane, it’s clear some part of you subconsciously remembers his body.

You can feel him tensing up as you guide him to a climax, and right before he’s about to cum, you pull yourself off him. He gasps at the sudden cold feeling, at the lack of your skilled mouth working wonders on his cock.

“Why did you-” he begins, shifting himself backwards on the bed so that he’s no longer on the edge.

“I want you to cum in me,” you cut him off before you can finish, crawling onto his lap. You rut your slit against his head, working yourself to wetness, before you sink down. Your walls are soft and warm and he moans as you clench around him with a gasp.

You still, rocking back and forth slightly, trying to get used to his size.

“Can you move now?” He asks as you start to relax, you nod and immediately, his hands are on your hips, hands pressing into soft flesh, moving you up and slamming you back down on his cock.

“I’m close,’ he grunts, he slows his pace, “inside or out?”

“Inside,” you gasp out, shuddering through the pleasure. He thrusts up into you, hitting that spot that makes you see stars, he spurts in you without warning and the warmth of his cum and the sensation of his softening dick still thrusting in you, brings your release.

He pulls out and you flop down next to him. He wraps an arm around you and you cuddle up to him happily, pressing your bodies, slick with sweat together. You hum happily, pushing yourself into his chest, wrapping an arm around his waist. He leans down, pressing a tender kiss to your lips, which you happily return.

“That was good,” you say, “we should do it again.” You add as you close your eyes, allowing your body to go limp, to regain some strength for round two. After a moment of silence, he looks down and assuming you’re asleep, he begins to speak, “I missed you so much,” his voice cracks.

Huh? He’s not making any sense, but you stay silent, out of curiosity.

“Your funeral was horrible, it was awful, my mother cried so much, everyone was crying,” you can feel his chest shaking, as he begins to cry, you want to stop him, but something is stopping you, a pain in the back of your head, the ache in your heart that’s been there your whole life.

“I never got to tell you my answer that day, I’d pick you over Mikasa. I don’t think I could ever choose anyone else and I’m sorry I never gave you the love you deserved in Paradis, but I’m going to give it to you now. If you’ll let me. I’m so sorry I made you hurt, I’m so sorry for how I used you and made you wait for an answer.”

The pain in your head is building, like a dam that’s about to burst.

“I was so happy that day I saw you in Captain’s shop. I thought I would cry with joy, I didn’t think I’d get a second chance you know? But then you didn’t remember me and god it hurt so much,” you can feel his tears dripping down his face, dropping onto yours.

The dam bursts.

It comes like a flood, growing up in Paradis Island, Wall Maria being breached, your parents being sent out on that suicide mission to retake it and never returning, signing up for the army because there was no way else to survive, killing your first titan, watching your friends die at the hands of both titans and humans alike, finding out there was a world beyond the walls, being in love with Jean the whole time.

And getting shot.

Your last sight had been his face, clutching your hand and leaning down to kiss you, to give you what you had always wanted.

What he had given you, at the subway station.

“Jean,” you say softly, and you feel him freeze with panic, there’s no way to explain what he just said. “Oh Jean, I’m so sorry you had to live with that,” you say softly as you raise a hand to cup his face tenderly, brushing back his hair, tears running down your face.

He looks at you in shock eyes widening and he says your name like a prayer, repeating it over and over, pressing your foreheads together, squeezing his eyes shut because god you remember and it’s everything he’s wanted and everything he’s afraid of.

“Jean,” you say gently, “will you kiss me tonight?”

He leans down to give you what you’ve always wanted, and this time, you welcome him with open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we've come to the end of washing machine heart, it's currently 1:40 am in my country which is probably not healthy but that's okay because they finally got their happy ending WAHOOOO.

**Author's Note:**

> if you wanna get in touch with me you can find me @[razorkisser](https://twitter.com/razorkisser) on twitter!! (´∀｀)♡


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